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After The Holidays |
After The Holidays Opening Gifts, The Very Beginning This year has gone well, or at least I thought it had until after the Christmas gifts were opened. Opening the gifts was fun because it is the opportunity to give my daughter all the extra items, the special things, the fun things which normally arent given. We are talking special useful learning and entertainment items, along with those silly fun things just because. Those precious moments are when they open a funny pair of slippers, or an expensive music device and the mouth drops open with surprise are what memories are made of. The vision of hours they can spend having fun for the sake of having fun with something that makes them feel special is the ultimate goal here along with, of course showing them appreciation for themselves, and you...the gift giver, the parent, Santa Claus and the spirit of the season. Joy to the world. Peace on earth. Love one another! Oh during the past few years we have given my daughter things most 12 year olds would die to have. She has the Internet, a computer in her room, a laptop she can take in her TV room and now even a cellular phone with her own telephone number. All of these things came with restrictions of course and explanations of why the restrictions/rules. Know What Your Kids Are Doing We have noticed that her telephone minutes have not been as we requested...keeping it down to short calls during the day and making the real calls after 7:00 PM when long distance is free...but that's not all! See, there has been a rift in our agreement all along. It is a break in trust and basic dishonesty. We observed a trend of her lacking responsibility for time calls were made, and blatently ignoring other ules set when we gave her these things. You see, she would shine us on when we would remind her to keep phone calls short, use the regular phone during the day and do not call friends met on the Internet. The reason we allow Instant Messenger is as an exercize in communicating, typing and getting to know others. The rule getting to know others on the Internet, however does not include saying where exactly you live or telephone calls. We thought all of this was clear. We thought we had explained it is a safety issue to be polite to others on the internet and keep it light and not extend the friends met there to the home. The home is our refuge...away from the dangers of the outside world not to be mixed. But apparantly that important point was not made clear enough. Importance of Honesty She had been asking for us to please please let her open the new media device since opening it. Understandable because it is a totally awesome state-of-the-art music device which we knew would be a few hours setting up and learning how to use. After the Holiday we, not being spring chickens (LOL) any more were ready to relax and sit back and reflect on our lives. So, we put it off until good and ready to begin the project perhaps until she was a little more patient, calmed down and ready to learn. Thinking this time had come we sat down with the device and began learning how to set it up. Where was she? She was everywhere else, she could not sit still and watch learn listen. Her thoughts went from visiting friends, taking the dogs for a walk and everything except what the project was. Very frustrating! OK OK she is 12, but why bother continuing setting this thing up if she is not paying attention? We do not want to be the ones to do this we want her to know how to... The basic setup was done and she was allowed to have it on and listen to the few songs she had on it while we looked into music downloads. I suppose we assumed she would be following along while she listened and so we kept on with the music search and information gathering on this device. We were in and out of the room. Well, he came into the kitchen and asked me "does her father have that deep of a voice? I was listening and it soulded like a man...not her Dad she was talking to on her cell phone". Suddenly a strange fear mixed with a gnawing feeling that something was terribly wrong came over me. Thoughts of the stories about young girls who become victims for Internet preditors filled my mind and it was time to take action. I ran in asked who she was talking to and she lied saying it was a girlfriend of hers. After she hung up I took the phone went into the other room and checked the number, time she was talking and called the number myself. A male answered and I rudely asked who he was. He politely stated his name and when asked he answered how old he was. 19! He was nineteen years old and talking to my daughter, 12 on the telephone long distance over 2 states away. After the shock subsided a little I informed him it is not allowed for her to call people she meets on the Internet and that she is only 12 years old. He again, very politely responded saying "thanks for telling me". Now, when did my daughter decide to begin lying about her age? When did she start calling boys, older boys on the Internet and what was her excuse for not following the rules? She claimed "he is just a friend". OK would this person even be a friend if he knew you were 12? Would you be able to handle a friendship in person? Is this an exciting game for you? Why do you put him...and yourself in danger by going live, on the telephone with a stranger? All these questions came to mind along with the situation at hand- she was not even paying attention to the adult who was taking his time setting up her playlist on her computer in her room. She was selfishedly and blatently talking on the phone to a stranger with the music device in one ear and the phone in the other with her hand out asking for more songs. It was like she might as well have been saying "gimme gimme gimme! I am a spoiled inconsiderate brat who is unnapreciative of others, not to be trusted (a liar), ignores the rules and never thinks of consequences". Do Your Research After hanging up a sinking, sick feeling came over me. Where have I gone wrong? Wy has she felt the need to play this game? How many people has she led astray and how in-depth is her involvement with these strangers? More scary yet has she told anyone where we live thinking she could actually meet someone and pull of disguising herself as being 5 years older? We took the phone away and as it was getting late and our words were sounding like repeat repeat repeat..the rules, the safety precautions should be taking and the lies...all important but we sounded like a broken record. The new cell phone has fantastic capabilities to record the numbers called when and how long the conversation was. We recorded the numbers, area code and all and looked them up. Oh look! Here's one in South Carolina, and one in Colorado...and lookie here! Here's one in South Dakota of all places. This was becoming more disturbing because we realized it had been going on for a while...like a secret life she had...a dangerous secret life involving strangers. Taking the research further this morning I looked in the bill for last month...there were a few calls out of town but nothing like this month is going to be. It had been going on for only a month and thank God we discovered this when we did! As a parent I felt as if I had failed myself and of course my own daughter by not paying closer attention and not enforcing the basic rules we started out with as we went along. I felt responsible for allowing her too much freedom. I had given her too many adult tools and not monitored them well enough. In my role as parent I viewed myself as ineffective because I had not made it clear that these guidelines must be followed and why, and had not enforced them. I had put my own daughter in danger! Make The Rules Clear When you give an expensive electronic toy, a cell phone, access to the Internet and yes, Instant Messageing children need to know what is expected of them to continue safely with these luxuries. They are luxuries of course and things that are only for honest and responsible people. These can be convenient for a parent but the dangers and complications of allowing a child to be in charge of them need to be clear. Most people will advise 18 or older only, but we think that a child can take on responsibility if they understand clearly what is expected of them and why. Go Over The Rules/Restrictions When the guidelines are presented the child can agree or say "forget-it that is going to be too hard". Any child will most likely try it out and then stretch the rules as far as they can. Sure! It is exciting and fun and they think, "gee, maybe I can get away with this charade! Can you believe he really thinks I am 17?" Fact is the thrill is no where near worth the risk of taking these priveleges for granted. Once a child has vanished the chances of finding them is very slim. It is already too late. For this reason and this reason alone the rules must be followed. The child's safety is the main reason for these rules. There is a basic trust that has to exist between the child holding the cell phone and the person who is responsible for that phone. It this trust is broken by the child not following the rules the child can not have the phone. Examine Your Own Parental Responsibilities Where did I go wrong? How ever could I have let this go on like it did? Well, it may sound like an excuse, but I actually thought about all the wonderful things having to do with the cellular telephone. I could be in touch with my daughter while she is bike riding, skateboarding and even at friends houses. It is a way to monitor your child without having to actually be there. It is also great for safety because you know she can call 911 if she gets in trouble (hopefully). I hadn't taken the safety issues seriously so of course she wouldn't wither. It is sort of a mirror-effect where they take on matters of importance in the order we place things. If we dont stress the guidelines and what-for's how are they going to know? Parents- Communicate Clearly With Your Kids Especially Matters Concerning Safety Words are not enough. We need to go into detail about why the lucky child with the cell phone, internet connection, instant messageing must agree to follow our rules and guidelines. They have to know that to be able to have this luxury they must adhere to our guidelines/restrictions with no deviations. They need to know that if they do not do as we say in terms of the rules (whether is is keeping their room clean, helping out around the house, not stealing, lying, using drugs or hanging around kids who do) the luxuries will be taken away until they can prove that they will be responsible. Be Firm & Give A Second Chance Your child has to believe that you will do what you say. If you give in every time they will know they can continue to disobey your rules and what you say will mean nothing. They will continue to get away with their wrong and even dangerous behavior and endanger themselves and others. It needs to be clear that this is for their own good, because you are the responsible one and you do not want them in trouble or even dead because of their behavior. Yes, it IS that serious! I remember when I asked the childcare provider if and when spanking is allowed. I had become frustrated with my 2+ year old unbuckling the car seat and it was causing me to be late for work every day. She advised that the car-seat issue was a life & death matter and in a life and death matter a few swats on the behind immediately after the bad behavior is allowed. Having never raised a hand to the baby I reluctantly pulled over on the drive home as she unbuckled the car seat and began moving around. I said "No!" and put her over my lap and two swats to the bare behind. I set her back in her car seat and buckled it and guess what! Never again did she try my patience with the car seat trick. Similarly to the car-seat incident this is a life and death matter. This is also a matter of the child assuming responsibility for having nice things. This means no lying to others and especially to the parent in charge. Next is the matter of trust. Your child has to be trusted to follow the rules you set and have to agree to suffer the consequences if they don't. No longer can a few swats on the behind work. We have to reason with her as a young adult and teach her the value of things and safety issues. Whe you believe all is said done and clearly understood make sure there is one second chance. Only one! This will give the child the belief in humanity and possibly serve as a warning. Follow Up On Rules/Restrictions/Consequences Even though it sounds redundant have her repeat the rules and guidelines and the reasons they must be followed. Even go so far as typing them out and posting them on the fridge or tack board in the house. This is going to help you if and when she goofs up. You will have the consequences listed so everyone will know what is going to happen if the rules arent followed. No if's ands or but's. Starting Over With My Child Our Christmas Gift The biggest gift of this season this year is knowing we caught this in time to avoid a dangerous situation. I am thankful we had the foresight to catch her in the lies she has been telling others and possibly even herself. This is a chance to work on communication skills and with Love help guide her towards becoming a more trustworthy and responsible person. This page might help someone else in deciding whether to get a cellular phone for their child and assist in setting the guidelines they have to follow. Keep the lines of communication open with Your child(ren). Emphasize the importance of loving who you are, practicing patience, following rules and the importance of honesty. Time will fly past sooner than you might think so the time to take care of this is NOW! Author, Susan R Allen Change Your Attitude Change Your Life JerSooz.com, JerSooz Ezine Disclaimer |